Dear Oxford,
You, like many others, suffer from OCD (Obssessive Compulsive Disorder). Your rituals have resulted from your fear of your parents dying. These rituals, as you have said, make you feel as if you are protecting her. It is natural to not want your mother to die, but when these feelings begin to control your life, it is time to get professional help. There are many treatment options, ranging from mild to very strict.
One of the most common and first offered treaments for OCD is medication. The medications prescribed often significantlyreduces symptoms. Drugs like Anafranil and Prozac, although labeled as antidepressants, have proved effective in many cases of OCD.
Another treament option is psychotherapy, or talk therapy. This method is very traditional, but unfortunately, not as effective as its relative: behavioral therapy. In "exposure and response" therapy, the therapist actually presents, or exposes, the object of fear to the patients, triggering the compulsion. The next goal is to prevent the patient from performing the rituals. When they are denied the opportunity to perform these rituals, the therapist will calm the person to help relieve their anxiety. At first, the patient might be denied the ritual for 1 or 2 hours, but as they become comfortable and less dependent on the rituals to relieve anxiety, the period of denial is longer and longer. Eventually, the person no longer feels a need to ritualize.
If you feel that OCD is taking over your life, you should talk with your parents. Tell them how you feel, and discuss various treatment options, like some of the ones I mentioned earlier. Nothing has the right to control your life.
Becca